Hi!  Thanks for stopping by. I’m Vesta.  I’m a mom, a friend, a daughter, and a survivor of narcissistic and physical abuse.  I was assaulted by my ex boyfriend on December 21, 2016. The consequences of the assault has been detrimental to me and my children, impacting our ability to live a normal life as we once knew it.  The assault has consumed two years of my life without an end in sight.  I have 11, soon to be 12 doctor’s appointments per week as I work to regain what I lost or perhaps a better way to say it is to say I am working to establish a new norm because I will never be the same considering the damages are severe and permanent.  I have shared ugly details of the relationship that has left permanent damages, traumatized me and left me fearful of trusting and living anything that resembles normal.

However, in the last couple of months something happened and I am no longer in need for him to show remorse.  I realized he simply isn’t capable because he lacks empathy and is unable to emotionally connect to anyone so why waste my time hoping for a miracle.  That’s when I realized I needed to begin creating a life worth living –  I needed to accept my life with my new disabilities and learn to live again.  I already have PTSD as a result of the assault, and most recently, my psychologist has become worried I may be developing Agoraphobia because I don’t like to leave my house very often.  I leave when I have to, for doctor’s appointments and when I leave town.  But when I am in Virginia, I don’t like to go out for fear of running into him and for fear of him physically harming me.  He knows I have PTSD.  He has seen my medical records that show the damages he caused yet he has chosen to act in an incredibly aggressive fashion, and that is what makes him irrational and a loose cannon.   I am also no longer allowed to drive so leaving for leisure, even if I could, is an expense that is a hardship.  Most often than not, even if I have the opportunity to go out, I choose not to.  For example, I had purchased tickets to see Bob Woodward speak a couple of weeks ago but chose not to go. I had tickets to see Lisa Stansfield early October but chose not to go.  I don’t like going to the grocery store because it’s too much so my ex husband has been doing all the shopping. I didn’t want to go to my son’s school tonight for an event but my daughter talked me into it, and once there, all I could think about was leaving to come back home.  Little by little my world has diminished into nothing and I no longer recognize myself.  I have isolated myself and I am afraid if I don’t act, I will never leave for fear of my abuser and his family hurting me.  I don’t feel as unsafe as far as being in public goes when I am away from Virginia – Upon my return from Chicago last weekend I realized how depressed I was when I burst out crying in the car, on the way to the airport because I didn’t want to come home.  I simply don’t ever want to come back to this state knowing the abuser is still here.

Most days I sit on my bed with my computer, looking at my waterrower thinking I should use it considering it is one of the only exercise I can do.  I look out the window and feel fear each time a car stops.   I watch much more Television than I have and go on Facebook a lot engaging in unimportant conversations. It’s hard to read because of the damage he caused and I can only play games for a short time since my brain can’t handle too much stimulation. I waste time and feel paralyzed.  I cry.  I feel panicked.  I look at places I can someday go.  I worry about my kids.  I worry about my ex husband and his cancer coming back again, and then I cry some more.  I beat myself up for not having been smarter to have left a relationship with a man who was a liar and a sadist from the beginning.

Because of the injuries he caused, what I can do is very limited, which doesn’t help not being isolated. Along with that I don’t feel I have anything positive to contribute in a relationship since my life is doctor appointments after doctor appointments after doctor appointments.  I am full of fear and have a hard time letting my guard down.  If that wasn’t enough the continuous bullying brought on by my ex and his family have partaken in has caused more health issues.  In essence they have made the healing process much harder.

In the last few weeks, after talking to a friend, I decided to shift gears in my blogging.  I no longer wanted to talk about what an asshole the abuser is.  Instead, I wanted to journal and share my journey to healing and being happy again, plus I thought it would be a great way to keep myself accountable for doing what I need to do to help me not get any worse.

All that said, I can continue to sit in the shit he created for me or try a little harder to do what I need to do to create a life for myself. I turn 50 February and want to be myself again.  I signed up for a race in April – Granted it’s not going to happen in a week but at least I want to head towards that direction.  I have to create a new norm – I miss myself.  I miss who I was and I want her back.   I’m already doing the medical bit and now need to fine tune other daily habits that will help me stop being in a constant hypervigilant  mode so I can take a breath.

I will share a weekly schedule and daily tasks I must do – will start small and include things like making my bed so I don’t crawl into it after I’m back from my doctor’s appointments.  I am tired but I have to find another way to rest versus crawling in bed and looking out the window waiting to be hurt.  That is no way to live..

and with that….thanks again for being here!